silent reveries

All I Want

2008-07-14T12:11:00.002+08:00

All I Want
by: Toad the Wet Sprocket

Nothing's so loud
As hearing when we lie
The truth is not kind
And you've said neither am I
But the air outside so soft is saying everything
Everything...

All I want is to feel this way
To be this close, to feel the same
All I want is to feel this way
The evening speaks, I feel it say...

Nothing's so cold
As closing the heart when all we need
Is to free the soul
But we wouldn't be that brave I know
And the air outside so soft, confessing everything
Everything...

And it won't matter now
Whatever happens to me
Though the air speaks of all we'll never be
It won't trouble me
And it feels so close
Let it take me in
Let it hold me so
I can feel it say...

Good Intentions

2008-07-14T12:02:00.004+08:00

Good Intentions
by: Toad the Wet Sprocket

It's hard to rely on my good intentions
When my head's full of things that I can't mention
Seems I usually get things right
But I can't understand what I did last night

It's hard to rely on my own good senses
When I miss so much that requires attention
Have to laugh at myself sometimes
And I can see that I'm not blind

There's little relief
Give us reprieve
For all the things I've left behind
I'm positive that I'm not blind

I'm not afraid things won't get better
But it feels like this has gone on forever
You have to cry with your own blue tears
Have to laugh with your own good cheer

It's hard to rely on my good intentions
When my head's full of things that I can't mention
Seems I usually get things
But I can't understand what I did last night

There's little relief
Give us reprieve
Imagining the world outside
I'm positive that I'm not blind

I can't be hard on you'cause you know
I've been there too
Learned a lot of things from you

But life gives little relief
Give us reprieve
And when everyone is cold as ice
I clinch my fists and close my eyes
Imagining the world outside
But I can see that I'm not blind

A String of Bad Luck

2008-07-04T07:05:00.010+08:00

When bad things happen, one after the other? What would you do? How would you deal with it?

Still recovering from a heartbreak, then having a lethargic mood at work and followed by suddenly losing my phone... what's next? Well all these may not be the worst case scenario but still I just feel so sad that these things are happening in a row...

Well, I could sulk all day and wonder but I guess the best thing to do is look at the brighter side... I should be celebrating that I'm moving on... it wasn't probably right in the first place and even if it is at the time being it's just not working anymore so I just have to let go of that baggage and start loving myself more... I've lost so much in the course of time during the relationship that I don't even have a sense of self when he finally left... I've dumped old and trusted friends for him and now they are still the ones who were there for me... I've built my world around him that now I have to rebuild a new one on my own or at least try to find what I've kept inside... So I should be happy in a way... I've learned my lessons and I know I'm a better person now...

Work wise things are becoming lethargic... eyebrows raised? How can Events & Marketing be lethargic? hmmm... let's just say that as dynamic, diverse and exciting events can get, it can also have its downside... in time you'll end up burning yourself out after long hours, obnoxious and indecisive clients and most of all perfectionist bosses... although I love writing so much and it's supposed to be a part of my job... my creativity and imagination are often limited and tested to various constraints... I want to move out of it but seems like I'm stuck here for quite a while... I guess I should stop fixing something if it's not broken and be happy as it is... if only for now...
As for my phone, this was the second phone I lost in Singapore... in only two months time! Oh well but people are losing their phones here and there nowadays so what's new? I guess a good way to look at it is that I probably need a new handphone and should learn to be more careful next time...

So this stupid string of badluck is now gone! I'm cutting it off! And as one of the greatest poet, Kahlil Gibran would say...

The optimist sees the beauty of the rose and not its thorns; the pessimist
stares at the thorns, oblivious of the beauty of the rose...

I can see the rose... and would never stop appreciating it no matter what...

You Bring Me Down

2008-06-30T10:20:00.000+08:00

You Bring Me Down
By: Leona Lewis

You let me down, can’t fix you now
Thought I could count on you to be around
You bring me down, down, down way down

What is the problem?
Are you taking me seriously?
Is it a joke to you?
Or maybe I’m a fool

Why am I trying
So hard to be the girl that you need
How is this fair to me?
When you break the rules

This is too much
Don’t call it love
You are the reason it’s so hard to trust
Boy this ain’t what I wanted
And now it’s got to stop

You let me down, can’t fix you now
Thought I could count on you to be around
You bring me down, down, down way down

No more tears
Why did I let you have so much control?
I gave my arm to you
And you pushed me away

Why are you here oh?
Don’t you see I’m letting you go
The damage is done baby
I have nothing to say

It’s gone to far
Don’t know who you are
I think its better that we are apart

Babe I know where I am
And I know where you’re near

You let me down, can’t fix you now
Thought I could count on you to be around
You bring me down, down, down way down

You let me down, thought I had had found
Some one to catch me when I hit the ground
You bring me down, down, down way down (ooooh)

Would you like it if
I did the same thing to
You and I lasted
Walking years on ma shoes

Boy there’s no excuse
Cause of what you did there’s no me and you

Would you like it if
I did the same thing
You wouldn’t of liked
Walking in time

Boy there’s no excuse
That who you are and I’m so over you

You let me down, can’t fix you now
Thought I could count on you to be around
You bring me down, down, down way down

You let me down, thought I had had found
Some one to catch me when I hit the ground
You bring me down, down, down way down

Down
Down
Stop bringing me, stop bringing me
Down down
Oooh

I'm So Proud of You Kids!!!

2008-06-29T22:06:00.002+08:00

Today is the night for the TOP 10 of Pinoy Idol! I'm nervous as nervous can be... But it was not for long... Zaldy was the first one to be called!!! Whew!

I'm so happy that our little boy has grown up... our baby is now reaching for his dreams... I'm saying he's our baby because he's the youngest in our group and he will always be that little boy who sings in school since we were Elementary until High School... his powerful voice resonating around the campus...

I miss my friends so much and Zaldy is one of whom I miss the most... I miss our late night talks... sometimes lasting till dawn... lighted by candles over coffee... Just talking about our dreams, our passions, our crazy thoughts... I miss those nights most of all...

I miss those times that everyone is just a text away and we will hang out in each other's houses... sometimes staying for days... I miss our laughs, our jokes, our banters, our foolishness and trippings and everything in between...

And now we're all grown ups... some have families, some are still single... but our bond remains... some are not in the country like me... and most of them are there... How I wish I am with him now... telling him how proud I am of him... how happy I am that he's so close to that dream we only talked about years ago...

I love you Kids and just hang in there... you're going to make it!!! I'm here, we're here!!!

To everyone please watch Pinoy IDOL and Vote for Elizalde "KID" Camaya... Text IDOL KID and send to the following numbers: 367- smart and talk and text and 2344- globe/touch mobile/suncellular

Of Songs & Lyrics

2008-06-29T06:01:00.003+08:00

There are songs that really fit into your life in every situation you are in... Sometimes these songs are just so perfect that you wonder whether each were made just for you. I have several songs that keeps me warm and totally expresses my thoughts now...

It hurts when I listen to each one, because they just keep on reminding me of reality... but somehow it also makes me feel better... makes me let it all out even by just listening and singing each song quietly to myself...

I made the simple videos for each song it's not much but they represent all that I'm feeling now and probably some more time after...

Better In Time

2008-06-29T05:30:00.003+08:00

Better In Time
By: Leona Lewis

It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through

Going coming thought I heard a knock
Who's there? No one
Thinking that I deserve it
Now I realize that I really didn't know
If you didn't notice you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'ma be ok

[Chorus:]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

I couldn't turn on the TV
Without something there to remind me
Was it all that easy?
To just put aside your feelings

If I'm dreaming
don't wanna let hurt my feelings
but that's the path I believe in
And I know that time will heal it
If you didn't notice boy you meant everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'ma be ok

[Chorus:]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go
So I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you
Yes I will

[Chorus: x2]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time...

Take A Bow

2008-06-28T07:43:00.004+08:00

Take A Bow
By: Leona Lewis

The flowers are all faded now
Along with your letters
They will never see the light of day
Cause I'll never take them out
There's no turning back
It's for the better
Baby I deserve more than empty words
And promises
I believed everything you said
And I give you the best I had
Oh.

[Chorus:]
So take a bow
Cause you've taken everything else
You played the part
Like a star you played it so well
Take a bow
Cause this scene is coming to an end
I gave you love
All you give me was pretend
So now take a bow...

[Verse 2:]
The future's is about to change
Before you know it
The curtain closes
Take a look around
There's no one in the crowd
I'm throwing away the pain
And you should know that your performance
Made me strong enough

[Chorus:]
So take a bow
Cause you've taken everything else
You played the part
Like a star you played it so well
Take a bow
Cause this scene is coming to an end
I gave you love.
All you give me was pretend
So now take a bow...

[Hook:]
Well it must have been slight of hand
Cause I still can't understand
How I could never see
Just what a fool believed
Um

But the lies they start to show
Tell me how does it feel to know
Right now that I won’t be around
So baby before where ever you are

[Chorus:]
Take a bow
Cause you've taken everything else (you've taken everything else)
You played the part like a star you played it so well (so well)
Take a bow
Cause this scene it's coming to an end (End)
I gave you love.
All you give me was pretend
So now take a bow

Take a bow
Cause you've taken everything else
You played the part (I gave you all my love)
like I star you played it so well (I gave you all my love)
Take a bow
Cause this scene it's coming to an end
I gave you love. (Ohhhh)
All you give me was pretend
So now take a bow...

Yesterday

2008-06-27T17:26:00.004+08:00

Yesterday
By: Leona Lewis

I just can't believe your gone,
still waitin' for mornin' to come,
when I see if the sun will rise,
in the way that your by my side,
where we had so much in store,
tell me what is it all reaching for,
when were through building memories
I'll hold yesterday in my heart, in my heart

[Chorus]
They can take tomorrow and the plans we made,
they can take the music that we'll never play,
all the broken dreams, take everything, just take it away,
but they can never have yesterday,
they can take the future that we'll never know
they can take the places that we said we will go,
all the broken dreams take everything, just take it away,
but they can never have yesterday...

You always choose to stay,
I should be thankful for everyday,
heaven knows what the future holds,
or least where the story goes,
I never believed until now,
I know I'll see you again I'm sure,
no it's not selfish to ask for more,
one more night one more day one more smile on your face
but they can't take yesterday,

[Chorus]
They can take tomorrow and the plans we made,
they can take the music that we'll never play,
all the broken dreams, take everything, just take it away,
but they can never have yesterday,
they can take the future that we'll never know
they can take the places that we said we will go,
all the broken dreams take everything, just take it away,
but they can never have yesterday...

I thought our days would last forever,
but it wasn't our destiny,
coz in my mind we had so much time,
but I was so wrong,
no I can believe me
I can still find the strengh in the moments we made
I'm lookin' back on yesterday

[Chorus]
They can take tomorrow and the plans we made,
they can take the music that we'll never play,
all the broken dreams, take everything, just take it away,
but they can never have yesterday,
they can take the future that we'll never know
they can take the places that we said we will go,
all the broken dreams take everything, just take it away,
but they can never have yesterday...

5 Stages After A Break Up

2008-06-27T11:29:00.008+08:00

While killing time online I came across some articles about grief, lost and break up... According to this article there are 5 stages a person goes through after losing someone special...

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

You may not experience these stages in one fluid order. You may go through some of the stages more than once... sometimes an event will trigger you to experience one of these stages again.

As for me I'm not really sure where I am right now...

1.Denial – The "No, not me" stage.

This stage is filled with disbelief and denial. If your partner broke up with you, you think that he will change his mind.

I'm sure I'm not on this stage... I know it's final we tried for one whole year and this is it... this is where it brought us... I'm not hoping we will get back together again... I know in my heart I'm not ready for that... and I know that he's not even thinking about that, he might not even be thinking about me anymore...

2.Anger/Resentment – The "Why me?" stage.

Anger at the situation, your partner and others are common. You are angry with the other person for causing the situation and for causing you pain. You may feel anger at your partner for breaking up with you or leaving you and giving up the family.

I am not angry at myself... I am not angry at him nor the situation... I am of course hurting but not angry at anyone nor anything... I've come to realize that there's nothing certain in our lives... nothing at all... I'm not blaming myself for what happened, I know deep within that I've given my best... he knows that, too... I am hurt and disappointed by how he handled things and how he fooled me to believe in him but I know it's his way of dealing with things... I may not understand everything but who says I have to... after all he may not even understand himself nor what he did... who knows... my friends keep on asking me why I still have the energy to analyze and understand his end... I also do not know the answer...

3. Bargaining – The "If I do this, you’ll do that" stage.

You try to negotiate to change the situation. If you’ve lost a partner you might bargain with God, "I’ll be a better person if you’d just bring him back". You might approach your partner who is asking for the break-up and say "If you’ll stay I’ll change".

No way! I am not doing that... In fact, I don't have his number anymore... Yeah I know others will roll their eyes and say I probably know his number by heart... yes I do, but he lost his phone, remember? So he actually has a new one... He even asked me if I want his new number... to which I said No. How did he ask me? He talked to me on YM, after that chat... I deleted his contact on my YM as well... I'm just going to torture myself if I still keep contacts with him... Yes he might be able to see me online since I don't know if he have me on his YM still but at least I wouldn't see him online and I wouldn't stay all night thinking who is he chatting with or why is he not talking to me when we are both online, things like that... As far as I'm concerned contacting him now would be the last thing on my mind... he needs to find himself... he needs to grow on his own... I want to save myself from all these crap... I think I've had enough crap to deal with and this is the last thing I need...

4. Depression- The "It's really happened" stage.

You realize the situation isn’t going to change. The death or break-up happened and there is nothing to bring the other person back. Acknowledgement of the situation often bring depression. This could be a quiet, withdrawn time as you soak in the situation.

Hmmm... Now I'm wondering whether I am on this stage or not... I am still functioning normally though... Weird enough, I find myself falling asleep faster than usual and I sleep continuously til morning... but I wake up staring blankly on the wall or the ceiling... To be honest I still cry sometimes when I'm alone... Tears still well up my eyes every now and then although now I can control them unlike before when they just trickle down my cheeks like raindrops on window panes... I can still laugh though and smile... although those closest to me would say they can't see the same sparkle in my eyes... Yeah I guess I'm here...

5. Acceptance – The "This is what happened" stage.

Though you haven’t forgotten what happened you are able to begin to move forward.

Could it be possible that I'm at this stage, too? I don't know whether I started to move forward or not... but I do know I'm learning to live without him now... I still miss him and think about him... I just find it difficult that I have to figure out the things I thought I knew and unlearn the things I already know... and now everything that seemed important then are not so important anymore...

So whether I'm on stage 4 or 5 or maybe juggling between these two I still can't tell... I do know it will all get better in time... I'm still scared, terrified even, but I just can't let this paralyze me... I still believe in love... I do know that this too shall pass... I am still looking forward to the day that I can look back on all of these knowing it's just a part of what will make me a better person... whether it is sooner or later I also don't know... but until then... I'll keep on smiling because I know I deserve to...

I'm Ready To Tell My Story...

2008-06-26T20:58:00.014+08:00

It all started a year ago... I went home, the moment i touched down the airport and saw him, i knew something was wrong... something was really wrong... I guess when you know someone for way too long you get that gut feel... that instinct inside that tells you... We went to his parents place where he got drunk and we fought and broke up and the next day he said he was sorry... I came back to Singapore and a few days later he told me that he has fallen out of love with me years ago... Could you believe that? Years ago?! I tried to make it work... Really tried... He asked for space I gave him space... He said he needs one month of no communication at all... and so be it...

One month passed... No call, no text or whatsoever.... No nothing from him... that one month stretch to two months... suddenly I received a text message asking me to call him... so I did... He was crying, telling me how much he missed me, blah, blah, blah... and so the soft hearted person that I am cried with him and coax him and even apologized for not being with him...

I thought maybe he was just having a hard time because we were miles away from each other. Although our relationship has already been through a long distance relationship since the beginning... being in different countries is far worse than a 6 hours bus ride back home... although now it's only a 3 hour flight...

So we tried again... 2 weeks after I received a call from one of my good friends... she was acting weird so I insisted for her to give it up and tell me if she needs to tell me something. She confessed that she saw several photos of my boyfriend (now ex) in a social network website with a girl... take note not just one photo but several photos... and some of them are taken with our friends, OUR FRIENDS!!!

I called my boyfriend (now ex) and asked him if he wants to tell me anything... he denied, of course... so I had to resort to confrontation. I asked him to open his e-mail. I e-mailed him some of the photos that my friend sent me...

But alas... truth stares the man on his face and he says, "Do I know you?"... He denied even if there was evidence... At this point I really can't tolerate it... I told him it's over... if there's one thing I can't tolerate it's infidelity...

Months passed... I booked my ticket for home... I needed to see my family... He was there when they picked me up. I didn't know what to feel when I saw him... I felt loathe and disgust... he tried to hold me, hug me and kiss me, but I pulled away...

He stayed with me during my stay at home... I tried to talk to him so we can finalize everything, but he insisted he doesn't want to ruin the few days that I'm there... So all my efforts of trying to make things straight went down the drain...and so it was time for me to leave again, he declares we're okay...

A few days later... he tells me we're not okay that he just doesn't know how to bring back what we had before... I was devastated... I didn't know how to react to that... tears kept on falling... even when I don't want them to... Just imaging the torture i kept on receiving from him over and over and over again... as if letting me down the first time and cheating on me is not yet enough...

I had to take a breather from work and I told myself... "Punyeta... ano bang mapapala ko dito? (**ck it! What the heck can I get out of this?) I can totally handle things on my own i don't need some indecisive dumb ass to control how i feel when...

But I was miserable every single day... tears kept on falling for no reason, I can't even stop them... in the office, on the bus, during lunch break, before i sleep and worse even the moment i wake up...

I don't know why nor how... but still i didn't give up on him... I texted him everyday... I called him every other day, every weekend...i didn't fricking care that my phone bill was even higher than my house rental. I sent him our memories, things we said before, things that happened to us before, etc... every single day...love messages at night...

Then on Christmas...he called me... well I wasn't surprised anymore that he's crying again...by that time I realized his tears were more part of his confusion more than his emotions...and once again he said he's sorry, he's lost that he misses me and he needs me, blah, blah, blah...

So I thought i triumphed over this battle...I won...but of course... some people may say that love is blind... but for me it's not... it sees more that's why it is willing to see less... and see less I did... Small efforts from him were big deal for me. They sustained me, they kept me going... for me they were signs that we're on our way back. It didn't really matter what he said or what he did as long as he said or did something...But lately something changed...I felt so empty, so drained...

About 2 months ago... the same friend who sent me the pictures of him and the girl called me to tell me that she's pregnant and that she and her boyfriend are getting married, she wanted me to come home and be one of the bride's maid and that one of our friends is also getting married in december of this year... I don't know why but those images struck me... I was crying after our chat...I felt jealous and sad...i thought... Don't I deserve something that beautiful, too?

I sent him a text on that same night, "Am I not worthy? I feel I've been trying so hard to be perfect for you, but I'm still not good enough... Am I not good enough for you to want to grow old with me?" to which his answer was simply, "ano na naman pinagsasasabi mo?" (what kind of question is that/ what are you talking about?) That's it... as simple as that.

Then a few days after we chatted...I brought up the topic...he then confessed and guess what? we're back to where we were exactly last year...he's still confused, indecisive and lost... Without thinking I decided to go home even for 4 days... just to straighten things out...

After a week... we talked again...this time i asked him, "may pag-asa pa ba tayo? (Do we still have a chance?) he said... "i'm sorry by, sa tingin ko wala na (I think there's no chance left for us) I told him I still won't give up...we just need to talk... he said he doesn't know... I asked him again have Ireally lost him? He answered... "Yes, I think so..."

By this time... the world has closed in on me... I still had to wait for two weeks before my flight... that was the longest two weeks of my life...

On the day of my arrival, he picked me up from the airport and we went straight to Sonya's Garden...my flight was 2 hours delayed... we didn't talk the whole drive from the airport to Tagaytay... well in excemption of checking the map and referring for directions... i felt he wasn't feeling very well and kinda pissed because he waited so long, then to add more damage his phone got lost the night before...

And so we arrived at our destination... once settled in our cottage he fell asleep... I let him sleep and went for a spa... When i came back he was awake and was staring at me blankly... I went straight to him and asked if i can lie beside him, he just nodded his head...then he hugged me tight and both of us cried... for 2 hours we were just hugging each other and crying... talking and crying... the next part I wouldn't be able to tell you... I can't even remember how it lead to that... Then we had lunch... we didn't talk about it anymore it was like we had an unspoken agreement... It was just so nice it's like we were back on the early days of our relationship... exchanging stories, jokes, just having fun.

Then we went back to our cottage... again I can't share this part of the story... after that we slept for a good 3 hours... it was already dinner... we had a great time, we decided to take a joy ride in Tagaytay... as in we really enjoyed the weekend... it was fun, we were singing in the car, telling stories, making fun of each other, teasing... until it was late we headed back to the cottage to settle in for the night... again we were telling stories, etc. it was really a good catching up... it seems that we have lost a lot of time... which I know we really did... we became so comfortable of what we had that we neglected all the built up that was supposed to happen even in relationships that have been there for years... we thought... I thought our relationship was problem proof... I forgot there's no such thing like that...

Again I can't tell you this part... and then the next day we went home. We picked up Aki and spent the rest of Sunday together watched a movie, ate, shopped... even for the last time Aki can feel that we were complete...no one pushed the issue anymore, but there was one moment that I knew he was really gone...

The 3 of us were walking hand in hand... Aki in the middle... suddenly a gush of people walked in front of us... He let go... Aki and I were still holding each others hand... he was already walking in front of us... looking at, I don't know what... it was such a defining moment... at that point I knew he was gone...

We went back home, I just can't contain my tears... we talked for the last time... up to that point take note that no one at home knows what was happening with us... I asked him to leave... I felt that if he stayed longer I'm going to breakdown... He was asking me, insisting that I walk him out of the house to the car.... he hugged me tight and kissed me but I didn't respond. I was just crying not even looking at him... I didn't move and when he realized I'm not going to stand and walk him out he stood up and said goodbye to my family.... I felt that's the start for me to move on, by letting him know that he can't control me anymore...

And now a month has passed since he dropped the bomb on me... One blog post is not even enough to summarize all that we've been through... I am still wondering where did that all go? or was that just inside my head? How come it was so easy for him and not for me? I feel lost... and scared...

But I know that I've got no regrets...I've done my part... I loved him and I still do... no doubt about that... I may keep on loving him... God only knows until when... but I have to move on and let go... I'm ready...

On my way home...

2008-06-26T16:27:00.008+08:00

There's something about travelling alone that makes me kinda sink into a quiet desperation... I don't know what... Being alone can be good sometimes but this... this makes me feel lonely... Here are some photos I took while on the bus on my way back to Singapore...

Travelling is not meant to be done alone... it should be shared with someone... that way you get to share what you enjoyed and what you didn't... you get to share their experience as well... it's more fun and exciting taking the road with someone... rather than taking it alone...

My KL trip... part 2

2008-06-26T12:24:00.036+08:00

A continuation of my KL trip post... so my cousin reminded us before going to bed that by 8am we should all be at the restaurant having breakfast and by 9am should all be heading to Petronas' view deck... so did we make the schedule? Hell NO! Who wakes up before 8am after sleeping at 2 am on a vacation??? No one! so anyhoo... we woke up at 8 am bathe, dressed, etc... and went to the restaurant for our breakfast...

After breakfast... the 3 wise men... LOL, Ate Cha, Fred and my cousin Ate Lyn are still debating... Why oh why can't they just enjoy our short holiday? I can never understand grown-ups... hahahhaha... so while they argue and come to terms on our itinerary for the day. Amy and I enjoyed the camera... as always...

Oh funny how we got this shot together... there were 2 caucasian ladies sitting next to us. They might have took pity on us taking turns on the camera. One of them offered to take our picture...

So finally they decided we should go Genting... but alas while walking along the city and looking for a cab we decided to visit Batu Caves since I'm leaving in the afternoon, and I can't risk missing my bus...

And so we arrived at Batu Caves and decided to take some photos and breather first before taking on the 272 steps...

Little do I know what was waiting for us on our way to the top...

Monkeys, monkeys everywhere... They were jumping up and down the steps... I was too scared to take photos... afraid that they might be provoked and hit me then run away with it...

and finally the entrance to the caves...

As we enter I wanted to throw up because of the smell but what freaked me was that we had to climb several steps again... I dared not count least I fail to enjoy the scene...

Oh and remember the 2 caucasian ladies who were kind enough to offer and took our photos in the hotel? We saw them here again. It was so funny because we were still taking photos when they saw us and one of them said, "They just don't stop, do they?" with a smile... hahaha!

and of course monkeys, monkeys and more monkeys...

Making our way down was worse than making our way up the steps... My legs were suddenly wobbly and I felt nauseuos..

goodbye Batu Cave...

Back to the city we go... we had lunch at the popular market near Merdeka Square... I forgot the name... then we were caught in the rain... so we stopped by Merdeka Square but not even the rain can stop me from taking photos...

Finally the rain halted to a drizzle but all in good faith... we found a better shelter and the 3 wise men tried to figure out our next destination one more time...

We walked and walked and walked and found this interesting Rest Room Signs...

We passed by the temple, took some photos and headed to the old and new KL Railway station. Funny that the old Railway station looks better than the new one...

After that we made our way back to the hotel so I can still take a dip in the pool before making my way back to Singapore...

and that concludes my short and sweet KL trip...

My KL trip...

2008-06-26T09:00:00.028+08:00

This is way overdue... this trip was like 2 months ago. But you have to forgive me as I just officially started blogging yesterday and now I can't stop. So I might as well look at all the backlogs, right?

So yeah... 2 months ago my cousin and I are chatting on YM debating on how to see each other. Why? Well first we haven't seen each other for ages... and I'm not saying months, na-uh not even 1 or 2 years, we haven't seen each other for 4 years!!! 4 friggin' years! Luckily she and her friends booked a trip to Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. But why am I still debating with her, she knows that I am in Singapore why didn't she just book their trip here?!

Anyway, to cut it short, I decided to just make a trip to KL and see her since their trip was scheduled on a long weekend (May 1-4). I took the bus to KL and it was a good 4 hours trip totally worth taking. I love the bus I took - Transtar, feels like I'm on a plane, hehehe complete with a "flight attendant" and so cheap only S$40 (including meals, TV with various movies and game choices)!

We stayed in Swiss Garden Hotel. On the first day we wasted most of our time looking for the Hop On Hop Off Bus that goes around the city. As typical tourist who don't want to take cabs and would rather enjoy the unfamiliar scenes and sights, we walked and walked and walked. Checked the map and walk and walk... Here are some pictures:Anyway when we finaly located it our first stop was Petronas and KLCC. First is the photo of my cousin getting high and excited! Followed by all our attempts to get Petronas as the background.

Only a few metres away is KLCC.

Next stop is Aquaria which is also in the area. We saw various fish, sea creatures and other reptiles and amphibians. Worth mentioning is the 4 legged starfish and a video of a playful fish. I guess it was intimidated by Amy so it figured it might as well put on a show. It was so cute check out the video.

So after that we hopped on the bus again and made our way to Butterfly Park, Orchid Garden, Bird Park, etc. which I wasn't able to take a lot of photos, because by this time Ate Cha and the boyfriend were already fighting... so we were mere expectators but still made the most out of it anyway... Oh yeah especially when my cousinf fell asleep on the bus... I took her photos hahaha! Imagine I was talking and talking then I looked back she was already sleeping! No can do for me, so I took our photos me posing and her sleeping with her mouth opened! She's a good sport though! Oh and we also stopped in front of the castle, too!

I was so bored waiting for the bus... I forgot that KL has its own reputation for traffic jams as well so we waited at the bus stop for a good 1 hour... My cousin's foot already had blisters, darn rubber slippers!

Even Fred who doesn't like photos was forced to pose for me as a result of our boredom...

This is Amy at the start of our long wait for the bus. The next would be an hour after.

And the boredom continues...

It's only 6pm so we still debated on where to go next we passed by Merdeka Square but opted not to hop off the bus.

We also tried Eye on Malaysia, a local version of Eye on London. I'm not biased but Singapore Flyer is way, way much better... I managed to take some sunset photos with skyline... a bit smoggy but will do for now...

We passed by Petronas again, but being inside the bus won't stop us from taking photos of what used to be the world's tallest buildings, before being surpassed by the Taipei 101. However, the towers are still the tallest twin buildings in the world.

Last stop is KL Towers, we busied ourselves taking photos, while Fred and Ate Cha try to patch things up. We wanted to have dinner on top of the tower but it was too late for reservations plus it's freaking expensive for just a 3 course meal!

and so our first day in KL ends here... funny that the bus dropped us off unintentionally exactly where he picked us up... we had dinner and head back to the hotel... exhausted but happy...

Officially Blogging!

2008-06-25T17:21:00.012+08:00

Ok, ok... after giving it much thought... well not much really, only running the idea in my head then forgetting, then remembering again... I decided to officially start blogging... At first, the lazy woman that I am I don't really want to start something that I can't continue and maintain... then I tried if you'll notice I created this page in August of 2007... I was only able to post again almost a year after...

And now, why did I decide to blog... first, my boyfriend of more than 5 years or almost 6 years (I'm not really good with rounding up, I hate Maths) broke up with me... work is becoming lethargic and I don't really have the energy to go out and socialize lately... So to cut it short... I don't really have anything going on in my life nowadays... so I might as well find something to keep me busy and distracted least I resort to crying in my room and sleeping for more than 24 hours...

Well... I'm not that damaged nor am I wallowing in pain and despair... I guess this is just my way of dealing with things... as painful as this. I mean you wake up one day and the one person you’ve devoted your life to, tells you that everything you believed in wasn’t true. Then he asks you to walk away from the one thing that has kept you going all this time; to give up the one thing that’s unyielding and sacred to you. How would you feel? What would you do? Where would you go?

Up to now I still don't have the answers to these questions... I am unsure as to how I am going to move forward... I guess I'll just let things happen as they unfold... After all I've spent most of my life overthinking stuff and look where it got me...When I set out for this journey, I thought I knew where I was going. It turned out I’m heading to a totally different direction. And whether it’s meant to be this way or not; I can’t tell… at least not yet. But I do know that I have to make the most out of it.

So here I am officially kicking off my blog... you'll be reading more and more, probably more than one post a day or maybe a week or more than a week without a post but rest assured I'll try to write as much as I can. After all I've been complaining for the longest time now how I miss "writing" so much. Strange because it's part of my job to write but it's just different...

So by the power vested upon me... Donna Kristine Beltran is officially blogging!

To My Cadet

2008-06-25T11:04:00.001+08:00

I've always thought of blogging but I'm the kind of person who just don't want too many things... So I didn't want too complicated stuff to manage as I have a lot of things going on in my life...

I wrote this before my partner (now my ex) graduated from the Military Academy... I just didn't have an outlet to let it all out... however this was actually published on the 2006 Alumni Issue of The Corps, Official Publication of Philippine Military Academy. Read on...

I always here rants and gripes from “kaydetgirls.” It’s really sad and it always hurts, but I learned to look at the brighter side, I learned a lot from all of these (even if it's the hard way). I learned to live with patience and to breathe understanding; to value waiting because I know that all the long wait and the distance I travel is worth the smile I see on your face when you see me. I learned to count not days but moments with you (which truly count...). I learned to trust even when in doubt, to appreciate the distance between us, which made me stronger in faith and braver against temptations. I learned to keep the sanity while loving unconditionally, to value commitment and understand its essence. I learned to laugh even when confronted with trials, to be sensitive enough to know that I am the source of your strength and “high morale”. I learned to understand the importance of knowing when to demand and when to give in, to know the constraints and limitations of your schedules and actions. I learned that I have to make things happen… when you can't.I honestly don’t know why, but whenever other people learn about my situation, I mean having a relationship with you I will surely hear, “Wow! Your boyfriend is a cadet?” I nod. “Really? He’s in the PMA?” I smile. “You’re so lucky; your boyfriend is a cadet in the PMA!” I nod then smile. So much for emphasis but I do get such remarks or should I say “compliments” from different people. It makes me think whenever I see the interest in their faces.

As for me it never occurred that having a boyfriend in the PMA makes me neither lucky nor special. Sometimes I wonder if they knew what they were talking about, and then I realized… they don’t.There are people who are interested and engrossed with how it is to have a cadet as a boyfriend. They want to know the raves and perks of being a “kaydet girl”. They want to hear how adventurous it is to go to Baguio , alone, once or twice a month and not how hard it is travel for 6 hours or more only to see him for one hour. If you’re lucky enough he can ask for a privilege so you can spend more time together outside the Academy. But if not, you have no choice but to memorize all the corners of the PMA even if you know each place by heart that even if you close your eyes you’ll be able to find your way (thank God for weekend leaves, they made a lot of difference now). They want to know how exciting it is to attend all kinds of hops and not how much pressure I feel because of the “what if’s?” and the expectations from other people. They want to meet other cadets when all I want to do is strangle some of them for the torture I get whenever they tease me about the “other girls”. They want to know the schedules and the cadet’s lingo to be able to understand them, when I’m just so envious of the people around you, whom you get to be with everyday. They are all excited with my experiences when I’m just so frustrated.

When I was growing up as a teenager, questions like “who is your ideal man?” or “what is your ideal man?” would always pop out from conversations between friends. I’ve never given it enough thought back then. I wasn’t the typical girl who would daydream about frogs turning into prince charming or princes taking me to far away places and living happily ever after.When I met the person who changed my life forever (that would be you) I wasn’t ready for it. By that time I already know the answer to the questions raised when I was a teenager. I realized that I want to be with someone who could dominate me, who could tell me to stop. Someone who could argue with me for hours and understand me even if we had different views, who could tell me point blank that I was wrong when I really am, who would not always succumb to my requests and demands, who could teach me more than I could teach him, someone who would always be there, because I was so tired of living my life independently.I was lucky and unlucky at the same time. Why? Let’s talk about how I got lucky.

First of all I met the person whom I’ve been waiting for, I met you. Have I ever told you? You’re all that I’ve ever wanted and more. You’re the only person that I would listen to if you tell me that I was wrong. You’re the only person whom I allowed to dominate me. Sometimes I wonder what’s with you. If you only knew how much you changed me. Sometimes I think about you too much that whenever I recall moments with you I can’t help but smile or even laugh even if I am alone. I really never expected going this far with you. But I am happy and most of all thankful. I can never thank God enough for giving me the source of my strength as well as happiness.

Now, how did I become unlucky? I know you know. A lot of times I was asked, “How do you handle being far from him?” and more of their twenty-one questions. I look at those who ask me not knowing who to answer first and I stammer. Most of the time, I ask myself the same question, and come up with all sort of answers. I just have to get used to the fact that you can’t be with me everyday, most of all, in times that I need you the most. But how could I ever get used to that? If I get used to that it would mean I don’t miss you anymore, it would mean I could get through everyday without you, which is something I just can’t do. There are times that I would be so eager to tell you how my day went, like I used to when I was in college, only to realize that you won’t be outside the office waiting for me like before. Every now and then I would come up with recipes I want to cook or make for you then I’d remember that you’re not here and there’s no point in pursuing it. Occasionally there are situations I know both of us would find very funny but my laugh would slowly fade as I come to face the reality that I’m laughing alone. Sometimes I miss you so much that every time a vehicle stops in front of the house I expect that the passenger would be you.Every time I see couples together, I can’t help but be envious of how they can spend more time together. They can talk on the phone for a long time without having to check if it’s already taps. They can always see each other any day and not worry if it’s a close call. They can be together every vacation and holiday without waiting for the commencement of the break and without counting days and hours before the termination. They can hold each other’s hand without having to worry if they will be reported. They can enjoy a lot of things that we can’t, even if we deserve it...

It breaks my heart whenever the day begins and it saddens me whenever the day ends, because on both times and in between you’re not here. How happy I would be if everyday that I come home from work you would be there waiting for me, or vice versa. How complete my day would be if I wake up everyday and the first thing I see beside me is you. But it just wouldn’t be a reality. You won’t be coming home everyday and I can’t be with you all the time and most of all, the waiting would be perpetual. We both know that. Sometimes I want to convince myself that I won’t get tired of our situation that I would always understand. I’m willing to give my best, my all. But I’m not perfect and often times my energy falters when I think about us.I love you so much and it drives me crazy that I’m acting like this towards you. I’m sorry for making you feel as if you don’t do anything in our relationship. I never intended that. I love you and you know that hurting you would be the last thing I’d ever want to do. I’m sorry for making you feel that you haven’t given enough, for you did, even more. I know there is no perfect man. But there is a perfect match for every woman. As for me you were and will always be my perfect match.We always talk about these things, how you want me to accept the reality of your chosen field. I have argued with you not just once, not even twice, but a lot of times. I can feel that your patience is getting thinner over my stubbornness.

Soon enough, you are about to depart from the realms of the Academy, signaling the reality of your dreams and the veracity of my woes. I have been thinking a lot about you; about us lately. I guess the best gift I could give you now is acceptance. I may not fully comprehend your decisions and even your deepest desires but I have to accept them as I love you so much. I felt it is selfish of me to ask you not to pursue the things you want to do. I realized that I don’t even have to say “Be careful,” or “Don’t do it,” all I have to do is nod, and accept your decision because I would not have expected anything less of you. You have to do what you got to do. I knew this would happen. I knew you wouldn’t be completely happy unless you follow your aspirations.When you realize that your life, lived for someone, carries no regrets, only love and acceptance, you grow stronger. As for me, I know that even if the hardships seem endless I can always answer, “Yes” to a love that goes beyond distance, time and togetherness. I love you and that means more than my spoken or written words.

My butterfly...

2007-08-30T10:48:00.001+08:00

It's sad when the butterfly you chased all day and caught by twilight loses all the beauty it had while it was free...

Between my palms the tired creature wilted...
I had chased a lot of butterflies before and this one fit my palm just right... and yet I have to let it go...

It was unfortunately not mine...